BOSTON – In a recent survey of American women, it was revealed that 2 in 5 women between ages 18 and 70 are currently pregnant as a result of recent trysts with New England Patriots star quarterback Tom Brady.
“The findings are rather shocking,” said John Williams, CEO of Venus Polling. “They seem to reveal an unusual level of sexual activity, even for Mr. Brady.” The poll sampling, taken on Monday, asked 1000 pregnant U.S. women, “did you become pregnant by Tom Brady?” It yielded a response of “yes” from 225 respondents while another 177 responded “oh God, did I!” This scientific sampling indicates that approximately 46 million U.S. women are pregnant with Tom Brady’s child. The margin of error is plus or minus 3 points, or 1.5 million women, according to Williams.
Among the pregnant, some celebrity names have surfaced, including actresses Carmen Electra, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Neve Campbell, Eva Langoria, models Naomi Campbell, Leann Tweeden, Christy Brinkley, Elle MacPherson, “actress” Paris Hilton and her former sidekick Nicole Richie (who said they had both gotten pregnant on the same evening), actresses Pamela Anderson, Rose Anne Barr and Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. When asked to comment on the matter, Madame Albright responded, “I’m too old for this shit.”
Also among those expecting were Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, actress-comedienne Tracy Ullman, actress Sally Struthers, the Olsen twins and current Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. When asked what it was about Brady’s style that she found so seductive, expectant mother Cameron Diaz responded, “um, you know, he just has those big goofy teeth, and um, you know, um, like, this majorly hairy chest, (hiccup) and about a million gold medallions and oh god I don’t know (hiccup), this way of just whispering unbelievably…” Diaz was unavailable for further comment after passing out.
In a candid interview at his Nantucket estate, Brady admitted his role in the findings. When told of the exact figures from the poll, he responded with his trademark aw-shucks grin, “yeah, that’s about right.” In the interview, conducted by CNN’s Robin Meade, also pregnant by Brady, he sipped cognac before a roaring fire and discussed his career as well as the things that brought him pleasure. “Ah, life is good,” he said, puffing a Cuban cigar being lit by singer Christina Aguilerra. “There’s football, the joy of winning the Super Bowl, and if I go a day without trim, I feel, you know, a little out of whack.” Brady also apologized for not wearing “a more expensive smoking jacket,” saying that “the rest are at the cleaners.”
In a related story, all 24 New England Patriots cheerleaders are now pregnant by Tom Brady, according to a published report from the Boston Globe. Asked for comment on the cheerleader story, Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick responded, “we really don’t know how this happened. What, with practice during December and several big games on the line, Tom barely had time to grab a bite to eat, much less dilly-daily with cheerleaders.” In a sudden rare moment of pensiveness, Belichick said, “but you know, there was always a couple of minutes during halftime where Tom would disappear, claiming he had ‘pressing matters’ to attend to. And he always kept vitamin B supplements in his locker.” Then, in a cryptic afterthought, Belichick said “you can always count on Tom to pull through when times are tough. Tom can run a drive like nobody’s business and knows how to hit the open holes. Especially at the climax of a game when the action is hot and heavy. Jesus, I think I just wet myself.” Asked how this recent news might affect Brady’s career with the Patriots, Belichick responded in his usual psychotic mumble, “if he hits his targets as accurately on the field as he does off the field, 2007 should be a bang-up year. Oh shit, I’m doing it again.”
When asked by Meade to comment on rumors that he intended to impregnate all of the cheerleaders for the Patriots 2007 road opponents, Brady responded “sure, it’s true. I think it’s possible. I haven’t figured out the logistics yet, but give me time. Hey, I’ve won three Super Bowls,” he said. When Meade told Brady of criticism against him by several feminist organizations for his rakish behavior, Brady responded, “You know, they’re right. I need help, I really do. I’m just a poor Louisiana boy who’s an overachiever. No wait, that’s Peyton Manning. Anyway, I’ve decided to check into rehab at a Hollywood clinic. I’m sure several concerned nubile young celebrities will be on hand to help me through this time of crisis, like Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, Tara Reid, and Courtney Love, to name a few.” When told of Brady’s comments, former President Bill Clinton responded, “I feel your pain.”
His wife, former First Lady and Senator Hillary Clinton, who is also carrying Brady’s child, introduced legislation on Tuesday calling for child-care subsidies for late-2007 to help care for the barrage of Brady-babies. “After all”, she said, “America must do its’ part to help the poor and the downtrodden.” When asked exactly who she was referring to, Sen. Clinton responded, “give me a break, will you? I’m pregnant for fuck’s sake. I don’t even know what the hell I’m saying.”
Asked what could cause such a surge in Brady-pregnancies, Sean Larson, a medical researcher at KY Industries, offered several explanations. “It’s possibly related to illegal performance substances, such as steroids,” he said. “But Brady is a notorious hater of steroids and has always tested negative. Besides, steroids can kill a man’s sex drive. Everybody knows Barry Bonds takes steroids and that fucker couldn’t get laid in a Bangkok brothel.” Larson also indicated that other causes of Brady’s recent level of fertility could be “unusually good genes or possible Viagra consumption.” But, said Larson, the most probable scientific explanation is that “he’s just one horny motherfucker.”