2 in 5 U.S. Women Pregnant By Tom Brady, Poll Shows

BOSTON – In a recent survey of American women, it was revealed that 2 in 5 women between ages 18 and 70 are currently pregnant as a result of recent trysts with New England Patriots star quarterback Tom Brady.

“The findings are rather shocking,” said John Williams, CEO of Venus Polling.  “They seem to reveal an unusual level of sexual activity, even for Mr. Brady.”  The poll sampling, taken on Monday, asked 1000 pregnant U.S. women, “did you become pregnant by Tom Brady?”  It yielded a response of “yes” from 225 respondents while another 177 responded “oh God, did I!”  This scientific sampling indicates that approximately 46 million U.S. women are pregnant with Tom Brady’s child.  The margin of error is plus or minus 3 points, or 1.5 million women, according to Williams.

Among the pregnant, some celebrity names have surfaced, including actresses Carmen Electra, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Neve Campbell, Eva Langoria, models Naomi Campbell, Leann Tweeden, Christy Brinkley, Elle MacPherson, “actress” Paris Hilton and her former sidekick Nicole Richie (who said they had both gotten pregnant on the same evening), actresses Pamela Anderson, Rose Anne Barr and Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright.  When asked to comment on the matter, Madame Albright responded, “I’m too old for this shit.”

Also among those expecting were Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, actress-comedienne Tracy Ullman, actress Sally Struthers, the Olsen twins and current Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.  When asked what it was about Brady’s style that she found so seductive, expectant mother Cameron Diaz responded, “um, you know, he just has those big goofy teeth, and um, you know, um, like, this majorly hairy chest, (hiccup) and about a million gold medallions and oh god I don’t know (hiccup), this way of just whispering unbelievably…” Diaz was unavailable for further comment after passing out.

In a candid interview at his Nantucket estate, Brady admitted his role in the findings. When told of the exact figures from the poll, he responded with his trademark aw-shucks grin, “yeah, that’s about right.”  In the interview, conducted by CNN’s Robin Meade, also pregnant by Brady, he sipped cognac before a roaring fire and discussed his career as well as the things that brought him pleasure.  “Ah, life is good,” he said, puffing a Cuban cigar being lit by singer Christina Aguilerra.  “There’s football, the joy of winning the Super Bowl, and if I go a day without trim, I feel, you know, a little out of whack.”  Brady also apologized for not wearing “a more expensive smoking jacket,” saying that “the rest are at the cleaners.”

In a related story, all 24 New England Patriots cheerleaders are now pregnant by Tom Brady, according to a published report from the Boston Globe.  Asked for comment on the cheerleader story, Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick responded, “we really don’t know how this happened.  What, with practice during December and several big games on the line, Tom barely had time to grab a bite to eat, much less dilly-daily with cheerleaders.”  In a sudden rare moment of pensiveness, Belichick said, “but you know, there was always a couple of minutes during halftime where Tom would disappear, claiming he had ‘pressing matters’ to attend to.  And he always kept vitamin B supplements in his locker.”  Then, in a cryptic afterthought, Belichick said “you can always count on Tom to pull through when times are tough.  Tom can run a drive like nobody’s business and knows how to hit the open holes.  Especially at the climax of a game when the action is hot and heavy.  Jesus, I think I just wet myself.”  Asked how this recent news might affect Brady’s career with the Patriots, Belichick responded in his usual psychotic mumble, “if he hits his targets as accurately on the field as he does off the field, 2007 should be a bang-up year.  Oh shit, I’m doing it again.”

When asked by Meade to comment on rumors that he intended to impregnate all of the cheerleaders for the Patriots 2007 road opponents, Brady responded “sure, it’s true.  I think it’s possible. I haven’t figured out the logistics yet, but give me time.  Hey, I’ve won three Super Bowls,” he said.  When Meade told Brady of criticism against him by several feminist organizations for his rakish behavior, Brady responded, “You know, they’re right. I need help, I really do. I’m just a poor Louisiana boy who’s an overachiever.  No wait, that’s Peyton Manning.  Anyway, I’ve decided to check into rehab at a Hollywood clinic.  I’m sure several concerned nubile young celebrities will be on hand to help me through this time of crisis, like Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, Tara Reid, and Courtney Love, to name a few.”  When told of Brady’s comments, former President Bill Clinton responded, “I feel your pain.”

His wife, former First Lady and Senator Hillary Clinton, who is also carrying Brady’s child, introduced legislation on Tuesday calling for child-care subsidies for late-2007 to help care for the barrage of Brady-babies.  “After all”, she said, “America must do its’ part to help the poor and the downtrodden.”  When asked exactly who she was referring to, Sen. Clinton responded, “give me a break, will you?  I’m pregnant for fuck’s sake.  I don’t even know what the hell I’m saying.”

Asked what could cause such a surge in Brady-pregnancies, Sean Larson, a medical researcher at KY Industries, offered several explanations.  “It’s possibly related to illegal performance substances, such as steroids,” he said.  “But Brady is a notorious hater of steroids and has always tested negative.  Besides, steroids can kill a man’s sex drive. Everybody knows Barry Bonds takes steroids and that fucker couldn’t get laid in a Bangkok brothel.”  Larson also indicated that other causes of Brady’s recent level of fertility could be “unusually good genes or possible Viagra consumption.”  But, said Larson, the most probable scientific explanation is that “he’s just one horny motherfucker.”

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Donovan McNabb Scores Educational Performance Award

PHILADELPHIA – The National Association for Excellence in Education announced Thursday that it has awarded Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Donavan McNabb the 2008 Achievement in Education Award for Highest Educational Performer.

“What Mr. McNabb has achieved is nothing short of phenomenal,” said NAEE spokeswoman Andrea Wiemer.  “His performance in bringing to light the awesome complexities of the game of football serves as a beam of hope for all of us.”

Upon accepting the award, McNabb was ecstatic.  “Let’s just say it’s an honor. I’ve put so much hard work into learning what it takes to play in the NFL.  It’s amazing the things you have to learn.  Why just yesterday, I learned a safety is two points.  It was tough but I finally got it down.  Why, I think my chances of being a Pro Bowl contender this year are dramatically improving.”  McNabb said he would celebrate his victory with a can of Campbell’s Chunky Beef Soup.

Weimer’s praise for McNabb was echoed by Eagles’ coach Andy Reid in a press conference in Philadelphia.

“Donovan has come along way,” Reid said Thursday.  “Last week he learned an NFL game could end in a tie.  And that just stimulated his mental juices.  We instituted a strong tutoring program and he took to it right away.  Now Donavan understands that a touchdown is six points and that the guys in the striped shirts are called officials.  Next week he’ll learn about the forward pass.  I’m very confident he’ll do well.”

“I’ll tell you how much confidence I have in Donovan,” he said.  “He’s a such an astute guy and so highly intelligent I didn’t even have to tell him he was being benched in the Ravens game for a no-name bench warmer.  It’s like he read my mind,” Reid said.  “It’s refreshing to work with such an amazing intellect, such an amazing team player.”

The Award was met with elation by Eagles’ fans.  “Yes! Finally!” said Donny Recovavich, President of Don’t Underestimate My Boy Donovan Our Warrior kNight, or DUMBDOWN, an organization which boasts over a million Eagles’ fans as members.

With fist raised in triumph, Recovavich went on, saying “let this finally show the rest of the world that Donovan McNabb is by far the most intelligent quarterback in this league,” he said at a rally Thursday on the famous Rocky Steps in Philadelphia, stopping briefly to choke on a barbeque sandwich.

“Were going to the Super Bowl!” he gasped.  A crowd of twenty joined in the chanting.

“Our time has come,” said Recovavich with a flourish of his full-length Eagles cape.  The Eagles haven’t won a World Championship since…um, shit, since I don’t know when… But they are like a fine wine!  The more you wait, the better it gets!  They’re saving the best for last!  We are the team of destiny!”

“We’re number one!” chanted the crowd.

Reaction to the award from McNabb’s teammates was solemn and emotional.

“What the fuck have I done?” sobbed Eagle player Asante Samuel at his locker, his head in his hands.  “Please get me the fuck out of this insane asylum.  I’m surrounded by dumbasses.  Oh please God, help me.”

Formerly a star safety for the New England Patriots, Samuel persisted in trying to contact his old team to share his jubilation over the award.

“Coach Belechick won’t return my calls,” he cried.  “All I hear is shit about Philly cheesesteaks and the theme from Rocky.  Our mascot is a gay pedophile.  Our Coach is a moron.  And now they won’t release me from my contract.  Oh Jesus, I don’t wanna live anymore.”

Other Eagles players were equally supportive of McNabb.

“Get that fucking microphone out of my face or I’ll kill you,” said defensive star Dan Klecko.

Commenting on Thursday’s award, Dallas Cowboy and former Eagle receiver Terrell Owens offered congratulations.

“Donovan know I love him,” said Owens.  “So why are you guys always on my back? You all did this to me.  You just like to make up a bunch of trash about me.  I always get along with my quarterback,” said Owens.  “Why just the other day after I caught an eighty yard touchdown pass I said, gee I really love, uh, what’s his name, the guy with the number nine on his shirt.”

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Coughlin: Hefner and Co. To Start For Giants

NEW YORK –  In a bold move calculated to resuscitate his team’s flagging fortunes, New York Head Coach Tom Coughlin announced Wednesday that Playboy Founder Hugh Hefner and the cast of The Girls Next Door will fill in for the Giants in their Nov. 22 game against the Atlanta Falcons at Giants Stadium.

The statement came shortly after Coughlin listed the entire squad as out on the injury report for the game, citing SBS, or Silky Boy Syndrome for each player.  He said that the decision was timely now that the Giants have lost four straight games with a combined score of 81-133.

Coughlin said he plans to start Hefner in place of Eli Manning.  Girls Next Door regulars Karissa Shannon, Kristina Shannon and Crystal Harris will start for the defensive line.  The remainder of the squad will be made up of former Playboy Playmates.

Hefner, 83, will be the oldest player in NFL history.  Interviewed at the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles, Hefner said he was excited at the chance to play.

“This is a great opportunity,” he said.  “It’ll be an orgy of football proportions.  Coach has me practicing already.  Huddling with the girls has never been this fun!”

When asked if he felt qualified to lead the team in light of his lack of football experience, Hefner replied with a wink, “oh, I think I’m prepared.  As you know, I have a lot of experience hitting the open holes.  And if need be, I can still put one through the old uprights.”

Also on Wednesday, Coughlin announced the team’s nicknamed would be changed from “Giants” to “G-Girls” and that uniform changes were also in order.  All players except Hefner will be wearing modified jerseys with plunging necklines.  And instead of the usual Giants jersey, Hefner will sport a sparkling blue bathrobe and gold medallions.  Also, said Coughin, the Giants’ distinctive “ny” helmet logo will be replaced by the iconic Playboy Bunny logo. In addition, as part of Hefner’s contract, porn star Jenna Jameson has signed on to handle delivering martinis to the huddle.

“We feel the time has come to improve our chances,” said Coughlin.  “Let’s face it, we just plain suck.  This is our best move.”

Fan reaction was jubilant.  Fans numbering in the thousands gathered in Times Square to celebrate the change.

“We want Hef!  We want Hef!” fans chanted, while some carried signs that said “Who’s You’re Daddy Now” and “Weeeeere Back!”

Reaction around the league was mixed.

“They said what?” retorted Falcons defensive end Chauncey Davis when he heard the news.  “You gotta be shittin’ me!  Man, I was looking forward to a day off.  I had plans for sittin’ on the crapper all afternoon, watching my sister fill in for me!  You mean I actually gotta suit up now?”

Atlanta offensive guard Harvey Dahl expressed admiration for Coughlin’s decision.  “That darn Coughlin, heh heh heh.  First, he beats the Pats in the Super Bowl.  Now, he pulls another fast one. That old codger!  I gotta hand it to Tom, he’s one gutsy guy.”  Dahl was subsequently murdered by teammates.

Dallas quarterback Tony Romo remained upbeat about the Giants move.  “We’re confident of our chances, as always,” said Romo of his team’s Dec. 3 contest at Giants Stadium.  Privately however, sources say that Romo is now worried about the Giants’ sudden improvement.  Off camera, Romo was heard to complain “how the hell am I supposed to do my job with all that cleavage staring me in the face?  I’ll show them they can’t mess with us!  Hello, Jessica?”

And in Denver, Coach Josh McDaniels reportedly has instructed his secretary to hold off on mailing in game results for his Broncos’ Nov. 29 contest against New York, in light of the Giants’ decision.  Sources say he expressed disappointment at not being able to use the that day to take his kids to Disneyland.

Coughlin told reporters Wednesday that he got the idea to bring in Hefner and company from ESPN Analyst Chris Berman, who said on Monday, “you know, the G-Men just plain suck.  They should call themselves the G-Girls.  They could put Hugh Hefner and The Girls Next Door out on the field and do a better job than these guys.”

“We had an emergency meeting with the coaching staff,” explained Coughlin.  “We knew something had to change, and fast, the fans were beginning to take potshots at the stadium.  One of my assistants mentioned making a trade for Donavan McNabb.  We had a good laugh over that one.  So I said ‘no, we need to bring in players, you know, proven winners.’  We considered several good options:  Tony Orlando and Dawn, The Pointer Sisters, Donny and Marie.  Then I turned on the tube and there was Berman, and we got our answer.  It was perfect.”

A sleepy Giants backup quarterback Eli Manning was interviewed following Coughlin’s press conference.  “Um, I just woke up from this really, um, great dream.  I won the Super Bowl against Tom Brady, and they were undefeated, too!  Gee golly!  Well, back to reality, huh huh huh!”

And in Foxboro, hungover Patriots quarterback Tom Brady had this to say about Coughlin’s decision:  “Um, can I be traded to the Giants?

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Roger Goodell Named To Top Underworld Post

NINTH CIRCLE, HELL – NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell was named CEO and President of the Underworld at the Annual Malevolent Awards in the Ninth Circle on Friday.  The surprise announcement came along with Goodell’s being named Most Valuable Evildoer for the third straight year.  Satan himself introduced Goodell in his new position.

“I am very pleased to introduce our new skipper, Roger Goodell,” said Satan.  “As you all know, Roger has been with us for awhile and has impressed us all over the years as we watched him grow in his Evildoing.  We eagerly await the bold new ventures Roger has planned for us all and the Forces of Damnation.”

The promotion makes Goodell Satan’s second-in-command and in charge of all netherworld operations.  Satan retains his position as Founder and Chairman of the Board.  Goodell will continue on in his worldly capacity as NFL Commissioner, said Satan.

“Having Roger in such a high earthly position gives us leverage like you wouldn’t believe,” said Satan.  “There are the fines for end zone celebrations.  The fining of Chad Ochocinco for the dollar bill debacle and for wearing a different name on his shirt.  These are the workings of a madman.”

“Yes, Roger has managed to infiltrate that good ‘ol American bastion of fun and frivolity known as Professional Football.  It was a stroke of genius!  I must say, I was a little dubious at first.  I rather liked the hard hitting action of the NFL, those moments when a player is carted off the field with broken limbs and torn tendons, his career ruined.  But, as Roger explained years ago in his senior thesis Evil Where You Least Expect It, the NFL had the capacity for becoming yet another breeding ground for spreading our Word, through ingenious methods.  I have become a believer.  Thank you, Roger.”

Satan also applauded Goodell for his recent domestic actions, including leveling fines against his wife, children and dog for laughing, giggling and generally having a good time.

Upon taking the podium, Goodell said, “this has been a highly successful decade for Evil.”  Goodell went on to lay out his plans for world domination.  These included expanding Hell in order to accommodate the increasing number of Lost Souls on Earth.  Also on the agenda were plans to elevate Lady Ga Ga’s career to Messianic proportions.

With a particularly evil grin, Goodell outlined his plans for changes in the NFL structure which were designed to finally bring the sport-obsessed American culture to its knees.

“Under our new rules, which will be obeyed,” said Goodell, “tackling in the NFL will no longer be tolerated.  Players must bump into one another and say ‘excuse me, but I believe the ball is dead’ in order for a play to end.  Players that actually tackle other players will face fines in excess of two million dollars, a thirty yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct, and a nasty letter from the Commissioner’s Office.  And there will be new uniforms in order.  Gone are the antiquated shoulder pads and knee pads.  From now on,” said Goodell, “all teams will wear ultra-padded uniforms resembling the Michelin Man, or that kid on Willy Wonka who chewed the blueberry gum.”

After a five minute round of applause, Goodell went on to say that the NFL would expand by at least one other team by the 2011 season, when the Los Angeles Barneys would be begin play.  Los Angeles owner Barney the Dinosaur was in attendance and applauded the announcement, leading the demonic throng in a rousing chorus of “I Love You, You Love Me.”

And starting in 2012, said Goodell, in order to ‘insure good discipline’ all NFL players will ‘donate’ 98 percent of their income to the United Way, which will have been purchased by the NFL by then.  The announcement produced a near deafening applause.

Goodell beat out other notables Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Dahmer for the CEO position in a unanimous vote of the Demonic Council.  However, Hitler and Dahmer were awarded the positions of Vice-President of Supreme Torture and Secretary of Cannibalism, respectively, for their efforts.

Goodell was first recruited by Satan’s Legions at the age of five when he sold his soul in exchange for a toy fire engine.

“Ever since that day,” said Goodell’s mother Agnes, who was present at the Awards, “there was a dark demonic glint in his eyes.  He was Possessed from that moment forward, and we reluctantly decided to support him in his career, at least until the magic spells involving the cat became a little too much and Mommy just had to put her foot down,” she added, to the roar of the audience.

Along with his Earthly studies, Goodell attended The Satanic University, where he studied Corruption and earned top honors, graduating with the highest GPA in the history of Damnation (4.6) and was only one of three individuals to be awarded the Supreme Designation of Maleficence of The Order of Urg (the other two being Geraldo Rivera and Mariah Carey).

Goodell succeeds former President and CEO Genghis Khan, who stepped down last month to devote time to pleasure-seeking and debauchery at his lavish estate in Romania.  Khan was praised by both Satan and Goodell as hard-working, the very essence of evil, and as one who set the bar for corruption extremely high.

“Genghis has been an inspiration to us all, and we will have fond memories of what he has done for the organization over the millennia,” said Satan.  “We are still in awe of his accomplishments, and wish him well in his future endeavors.”

According to an official in the Ninth Circle administration, who spoke on condition of anonymity, Khan was pressured to retire in light of changing priorities within the organization.  The official said that Satan was beginning to tire of Khan’s obsessive promotion of mayhem and genocide to advance the Cause of Darkness.

The source went on to say, “we are all extremely thankful for everything Genghis has done. As always, murder, butchery and holocaust are perfectly acceptable ways to spread the Word of Satan.  However, the world is changing and to keep up, we’re changing our image, to that of a more sleek, polished organization, one of sophistication, professionalism and smarm.  At this time we feel Roger fills that need.  Nonetheless, Genghis will certainly be a shoo-in for the Iniquity Hall of Fame.”

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Jennifer Aniston Kills Angelina Jolie In New York Restaurant

NEW YORK – In a scene straight out of the grindhouse genre, enraged actress Jennifer Aniston barged into New York’s swank Pasha Restaurant early Friday evening and, brandishing a samurai sword, cut off superstar Angelina Jolie’s head.

According to witnesses, Aniston raced into the restaurant wearing a leather ensemble complete with black stiletto boots, stopped at the door, stared at Jolie and shouted “you’re mine, bitch!”  She then produced a sword and proceeded to jump across several tables to the petrified Jolie where she performed the act.

At a news conference following the killing, Aniston characterized the event..

“Little Girl, Interrupted,” said Aniston, wiping blood from her blade. “Heh heh heh.”

“Listen to me now!”  Aniston then shrieked, pointing her sword at the crowd. “Our long national nightmare is over!  This scourge has ended!” She then hurled Jolie’s head into the throng and bellowed in triumph to the cheers of the patrons.

Actor Brad Pitt, Aniston’s former husband and Jolie’s current domestic partner (at least until Friday), was present at the slaughter, which he witnessed while returning from the restroom.

“Um, we’ll all miss Angelina of course. She’s in our prayers.  But I gotta say, um, this is a whole new side to Jennifer. I’ve never seen her so…hot. What, with that…outfit..and the way she…began eating Angelina’s brains…um, excuse me, I have to use the bathroom again.”

When asked if the killing was an attempt to win back Pitt’s affections, Aniston responded “who? Oh, you mean that skinny little freak who did Burn After Reading? Ha ha ha ha ha! It is dirt beneath my leatherclad spiked heels. I shall crush the simpleton! Bow before me now, mooncalf!”  Pitt then began to writhe on the floor, drooling profusely.

Several celebrities dining at the restaurant at the time of the incident expressed their shock.

“It was horrifying, absolutely horrifying,” said filmmaker Quentin Tarantino. “The way Angelina’s head plopped off her neck and landed smack on a plate of fettucini was totally Hitchcockian, it was orgasmic,” he said. “And when Jennifer stuck the head on the end of her sword and paraded around the restaurant singing ‘ding dong, the bitch is dead!’, I immediately knew I’d found the right actress for my next movie, Intestines of Speed. Who needs Uma?”

“Yes, this insures Aniston’s place as the new Queen of Action Cinema. We’re prepared to offer her a contract immediately.”

“Not so fast,” interrupted Producer Steven Spielberg, muscling his way to the podium. “We’ve just signed Jennifer Aniston to a five-picture deal,” he said, waving a contract.

“Cockblocker!” retorted Tarantino, who then grabbed Jolie’s severed head and began to beat Spielberg savagely.

National Enquirer Editor David Perel fell to his knees in the restaurant after the incident to give thanks. “Truly, I am blessed. I’m set for life! This is way better than OJ!”

Some experts predicted Aniston’s actions would have a far-reaching social and economic impact. Fashion designer Regino DeBerge’, also on scene, applauded Aniston as a revolutionary who had ushered in a new era of fashion consciousness. “Faboulous, simply fabulous!” he said.  “The raccoon eyes! The sword! Her sangfroid! Jennifer’s leather visage manufactured an imperious articulation, displaying conspicuous obeisance to Kate Beckinsale’s Underworld vamp, almagamated with a retro nod to Linda Hamilton’s Terminator 2 coordinates. Oh joy!”

Other celebrities on hand tried to put a positive spin on the horrifying episode.

“About damn time,” said comedian Chris Rock. “I was wondering when Jennifer was gonna release all that pent up hostility. She just kept all that shit bottled up in her till her eyes was popping out, takin’ on weird-ass roles, gettin’ all uptight. I was worried about the poor girl. She finally found the right therapy, though. Apparently, leather and swords is her thing!”

In a unusual display of actual emotion, fashionista and robotics industry representative Tyra Banks was reduced to tears. “I was sitting near the door and in walked Jennifer, she was glaring, wearing this leather outfit, gripping a gleaming sword. Oh…oh!”

Quickly regaining her famous composure, Banks suddenly lit up. “Then she attacked Angelina and I thought, what an outrageously creative way to introduce your new look! It was so…beautiful,” she panted.  “I’m so honored to be here to witness this woman of incredible power. It’s official: Jennifer is my new BFF!”

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